Diaper Drama

Did you ever change diapers? I mean of a toddler? You know, initially, that’s kind of cute. You trying to be as careful as possible, always afraid to break something or to do it wrong. The little one is on his back, looking at you with big eyes, and endures the procedure peacefully. Well, what else should it do, initially it can’t move much. So you get used to the task over time and the only worry is to not close the diaper too tight. The little one should still be able to push stuff from the upper body half to the lower body half to digest.

Soon you’ll discover another danger. Toddlers have the tendency to pee randomly and they do not care if there is a diaper or not. Hence you shouldn’t take too much time with the bare-bummed bundle of cuteness. The longer you keep those tiny genitals uncovered and pointed towards you, the higher the probability you’ll get hit one day. Sooner or later it will hit every parent, but you can optimize by keeping the time without diapers as short as possible. If you are too slow, a tiny bow of fluid is heading towards you and there is no way to escape. Congratulations, you just have been peed on. Don’t bother won’t be the last shower of this kind anyway.

Matters become more interesting when the little boss discovers how to turn from his back. Over time the mobility of those little creatures is increasing and they try to escape the diapering process since this process is boring and they have better things to do than waiting until you are done. So natural next move is to try to get out of this misery, in every possible direction. And this makes the diapering procedure more difficult, for both parties. Besides the actual diaper change, you have to make sure the toddler stays in position. Have you ever seen a break-dancer performing? This is how it looks like when a toddler tries to escape the diaper station. This creates challenges when removing the full diaper, but also when attaching the new diaper. Not to mention that the accidental peeing risk is increasing since the entire procedure takes longer. On top comes that the initial pee bow becomes as unpredictable as a rebellious lawn sprinkler. The probability that both of you have to take a shower after the procedure is increasing drastically. So you have to become creative in keeping the little monster fixed.

But that’s not the only danger. Are you aware that toddlers are pooing too? Yes, they do! And what is initially a sweet yellow puree, becomes fast a hazardous good. It all starts with breast milk, which is digested quite nicely by the little human. But slowly you start to shovel other foods into the little pooing machine and they develop quite fast a fondness for sweets and everything else which can be eaten without teeth. What nobody tells new parents, this will change the consistency of the poo. And not only that, it is changing the smell as well. And soon you’ll need a protective suit and a gas mask. This stuff is really lethal! You can not imagine how such a little cute toddler can produce such a toxic smell. Some might call this impressive, others just go and hide under the bed until the danger is over.

And what do you do with the full diaper then? You need to store it somewhere. You’ll learn fast that you need a cap for your rubbish can. If you don’t cover the used diaper, you’ll fall unconscious next time you enter the room. If you leave it open overnight, the will take hours to decontaminate the building.

And now combine the break-dancing and the full diaper. What do you think will happen? The little guy will manage to dip hands and feet into the brown mass, distributing it everywhere and you end up with brown hands and clothes, and the little one is screaming or laughing frantically in the process. From the outside, it sounds like you are slaughtering a pig in your apartment, but all you do is trying to change a diaper. be prepared that you both need a bath afterward, and a full set of new clothes.

But overall it’s kind of fun to raise such a little pooing machine. But every time a non-parent gives you some wisdom about how easy it must be to deal with a toddler, I imagine throwing one of those full diapers into that person’s face. Splash!