Hi Dad

Hello Dad,

more than one year past since you left us. So many things have changed within this year. But I do remember very good your last days. Those days have been so intensive, so much suffering, so much pain. Those days have been soul-crushing and those days changed me.

Seeing you disintegrating in such a short time frame, such a strong man. And at the end only skin and bones left. I remember as it had been yesterdays, you could hardly speak anymore and you tried to tell me something. You called my name, but I was not able to understand what you tried to tell me. You have been so weak already. I moved my ear as close as possible and I tried so hard, but you have been too week. Your eyes told me it was important to you, but I will never get to know what you tried to say.

The heaviest moments have been when the doctor asked me to help to turn your dead body to determine your death and later on when the hearse drove down our street with you. You were gone. It was so final.

But Dad, despite all this I am happy that I could be with you, that I could spend those days with you, your last days. We might not have had the best relation and you drove me crazy many times, and I probably you as well. But I always knew that you love me and despite you never told me, I know you have been proud of me. You have been such a stubborn man most of the time and so I was as well. And I still am. Remember how many fights we had? About politics, about news, about values, about attitude, TV channels, about everything actually. I tried to change you and you tried to change me and it never worked out. But you influenced me so much. I am driven by fears and I am acting out of fear, same as you have been, the fear to fail, the fear to disappoint, the fear to be rejected. You are responsible for my be-strong-drive. I want to achieve things on my own, without help. And I have a high need of appreciation, higher than others. Since deep inside me I am insecure. Remember my early years in cross-country-skiing? I never was fast enough for you and I failed your expectations so many times. This changed me and shaped my behavior patterns for the following years. Today I know, you wanted to help me, you wanted me successful and happy. You had the best intentions and I appreciate this.

We haven’t seen us that much, only on weekends. You worked far away. Nonetheless you had so much influence on me. You have not been the perfect dad, and I have not been the perfect son. But I loved you and I know you loved me. I never told you and now I am regretting that I never did. I am proud that you have been my dad. And I am happy for every minute we spent with each other, fighting or not.

And you taught me one thing within your last days. Life is precious and fragile. Life has to be lived actively and every moment counts. There is no value in living in the past or fearing the future. Important is the here and now, the very present moment. Put all your effort in this current moment and everything else will fall into place.

Dad, I wanna say thank you. I am happy and proud to be your son. I miss you.