One of my habits is the want to make right decisions. Now everybody defines ‘right’ in a different way. For me ‘right’ has two aspects. The first one, of course, is selfishness. I want to decide in a way its beneficial for me. We all do. But there is also a second aspect, kind of heritage from my parents. I tend to make it right for everybody, which has advantages and disadvantages. Nonetheless it influences the way I make decisions, especially in a private environment. It means I am trying not to hurt the people influenced by my decision. You can imagine that this doesn’t work all time. Some decisions are just too fundamental, the two options to decide just too opposed, that one party will be hurt definitely. It can not be avoided. On top comes the contradiction with my selfishness.
So some decision can not be made without violating my own values and beliefs. As a result I become hesitant in these cases. I am trying more hard to find a solution which does not violate my values. Deep inside me I know there is none, nonetheless I try to find one, and here starts the stupid part. At times I don’t realize that this hesitation might hurt others too. At times even more than actually deciding against something. Interesting, avoiding to hurt can turn into the opposite. And the harder I try not to, the more I’ll hurt.
So, what am I now? Am I a coward regarding certain decisions? Feel free to think so. Am I hesitant? yes, I am in many cases, especially in the important ones. That’s my personality. Will I be able to change it? I don’t know, but I will definitely try.
But if my wish to avoid to hurt people makes me a coward, I am glad to be one.