Last weekend I went for a hike. It was an organized event which started very early in the morning, about 5am. One hour to get there meant that my alarm clock started at 3:30am to convince me to get up. The plan was to hike a distance about 63km and an attitude difference of 1700m within 14-15 hours. So far so good. I have been motivated and prepared and wanted to make this a success.

Unfortunately it started to rain right after I started. So I had at least 10 dry minutes. From there it did rain more than five hours continuously, sometimes more, sometimes less, but constantly. Some heavy rains in between in combination with heavy wind made the entire thing an interesting experience. Soon there wasn’t any dry piece of cloth on me anymore. Luckily I had water-proof hiking shoes, but as I found out this doesn’t really matter if the water flows down the legs directly into the shoes. At least they proved to be water-proof since the water stayed in there all the time and made a nice noise with each step. Funny thing is, shoes and cloths increase in weight when wet and so I carried a lot of water with me. It didn’t take long until I started freezing, which was okay as long as moving, but the cold sneaked in slowly. After about 6 hours I had lost the feeling within my fingers and couldn’t move them as I wanted anymore, which turned out as issue regarding bio breaks. Next time I’ll go for zippers instead of buttons 😉

This had been the signal for me to give up, to stop the event after only 27km. I knew if I continue I will suffer through it, I will finish it even if I ruin my health with it. So I decided to stop, to call a taxi and to drive back. Well, the taxi driver wasn’t really amused to drive such a wet, drenched and dripping guy. But you have no idea how hard this decision was for me, to give up, to skip something I wanted to do. But why? Yes, it has been the right decision to stop, it’s logical. The theory is very clear, but why is it so damn hard to implement that theory? I still feel bad about it and I am still angry at myself for not finishing it. Stupid, isn’t it?

So what could be the reason. Money? Okay, I paid some money for this event, but that’s not the reason. Getting up early? Why should it bother me? There are other reason, unconscious ones. One of them is my ego. Giving up something I wanted to do hurts the ego and hits my self-respect. But I think even this are symptoms of something deeper. One of the reasons is my main driver, which is the “be strong” driver. Somehow I have over-developed this basic setting for reason I am starting to understand slowly. Nonetheless it influences my behavior dramatically. I have trouble to show weaknesses, I feel uncomfortable not to be good in things I do. I am ready to suffer to accomplish. I am trying to accomplish things others don’t. I have a need to appear strong, even if I am not. And this comes in company with another basic setting of mine. I have a certain need for appreciation, maybe more than others, maybe I was lacking more than others. And this kind of events gives me appreciation. Sports in general gives me appreciation and especially sports where I am good in.

Now the be strong attitude and the appreciation need come together, giving a dangerous mix which makes me behave as I behave. Understanding these mechanisms, understanding the root cause where they are coming from does only help to a certain degree since they trigger my behavior patterns unconsciously. If I focus and analyze constantly I can see and correct my actions, but if I don’t do this consciously, I will fall back into my default patterns quite fast. Well, I followed these drivers for years, how can I expect to change them within months? So, I am still angry because I didn’t finish the tour, but I take it with a smile 🙂

Life is beautiful, isn’t it?

We all have them, plenty of expectations, most of them unconsciously. Many times we are expecting people to behave in a certain way. For example, you are driving your car and you are in a hurry. All slower drivers in front of you are becoming suddenly slow idiots. But in case you are having time, enjoying the car ride, all drivers in a hurry, pushing you from behind, are suddenly fast idiots. It’s a matter of expectation. How do you expect the others to behave to a certain point in time. If they don’t, you are perceiving them as abnormal troublemaker. And this is true for all circumstances, not only for car driving.

We are expecting all others to think like we do and to behave as we would behave, which is stupid if you give it a second thought. But we do this all the time, even in love matters. If we love somebody, we are expecting to be loved same way. If we feel close to somebody, we are expecting that this closeness and openness is recognized and returned. We are expecting that the other takes care and does not use this openness to attack. If we feel a distance to somebody, we are expecting the other to understand this. So many unsaid expectations. Of course this won’t work and we will get disappointed if some of the expectations will not be met. Implied expectation have such a great potential for misunderstandings. And not only that, it can lead to anger, even hate.

The solution is so simple and so complicated same time. There are two aspects:

1. Just expect less. Easily said, but hard to implement.
2. If you expect something, be aware of the expectation and communicate it.

Live can be so easy 😉

Love, what is love? What defines love? How important is love for you? What is your definition of love? What do you expect from love? One thing I have learned recently is that different people have different definitions of love, and hence different expectations.

So I started to analyze what is love for me. Easy one I thought, love is one of the most important ingredient in a partnership. I want to love my partner from heart, unconditionally. And I do have the expectation that my partner loves me the same way. So far so good, but what does this mean now? Hmmm … well, for me it means to spend time with each other, to be there for each other, in sunny but also in bumpy times. It means to care for each other, to realize when a hug is needed and to give it, to believe in each other when nobody else does. It’s about passion, want and lust, it’s about sitting together silently for hours and nonetheless knowing the thoughts of the partner. But most important for me is respect, trust and appreciation. Love is to smile with each other, to laugh with and about each other. It’s about accepting the the partner as he/she is, with all amenity and flaws. It’s about forgiveness. Love creates the feeling of incompleteness without the other.

Love is so much more than a simple feeling. For me love is life.

Already as child my mom told me to tell the truth, always. If you want to be a good child, be honest and tell the truth. This is right, this is good, this is honorable. Good people always tell the truth. But what my mom didn’t tell me, the truth can hurt, terribly. It can hurt others, it can hurt heart and soul. The closer the person is, the more it hurts. And the truth can hurt yourself, horribly, your own soul. Moreover the truth has potential to destroy relationships, trust, marriages, even lives.

What about keeping the truth unsaid? Is it a lie to just omit the truth? Is the intention acceptable to keep the truth unexpressed, to avoid to hurt close ones? I think not uttering the truth is far worse and has the potential to generate even more damage. Keeping the truth inside to avoid to hurt others will poison your own soul and subducts your happiness. Slowly but steady unuttered truth will eat you up from inside and hence influence close ones as well in a negative and painful way. Unsaid truth makes people suffer in the same way or even more than uttered truth. But telling the truth while knowing it will make people you love suffer is so immense hard. Even when knowing it will be the better option long-term, it requires so much courage. And it’s so easy to be a coward, to run away. Face it and you will suffer less long-term. Irony of fate, isn’t it?